"Hey Kevin, how was your night last night?"
"Fine. Just like always."
Just like always.
I had that dream again.
I walked on the rusty stairs, with no companion or supervisor.
Every step burst in my mind. And I stood at the top of the iron access, grabbed the handrail, and looked down through the gaps. The roof was broken into pieces, leaking raindrops that ruined half of the abandoned factory, holding a pool of green water. I saw garbage, algae, and foam floating in the water tank. And I didn't want to know where it came from.
"What do you see?"
I was scared by this voice, instinctively grabbing the bars tightly.
When I looked back. I saw him, Rolle, casually leaning against the fence.
I said,"Those bars are very fragile now, it's dangerous for you to stand like that.”
"Then what about you?"
I only realized it then. That I am holding those bars too.
"You know what. There's a better place than here. Are you coming or not?"
I vaguely followed him.
He asked my name. I said Kevin Lin. And he called me Lin since then. As an exchange, I know his name is Rolle.
I said: "I've never seen you before." This was weird because we lived in a small town where there was only one school left, still struggling to recruit students.
He answered, not surprised at all:"I haven't seen you either. Like you never known there is a lake like that."
"I did." I said.
I had been to this lake once when I was very little, though I only remembered it from an old family photo.
The children's park had been broken down for decade, like the factory. But Rolle still pulled out a little boat for us. It was mostly plastic with a rotten frame. Rolle found a wooden board and turned it into a new yet old boat.
We rowed it to the center of the lake. Rolle said he got his peace of mind, and he's going to take a nap.
Waves pattered against the side of the boat. There were no other sounds-only the wind blowing, occasional bird calls, my heartbeats, and my mind roaring.
Tears dropped off my face. I tried to cry silently. I didn't know if Rolle was really sleeping or faking it. But only when I feel cold, when the sun went down, did Rolle wake up.
He tried to row the boat back. I said I didn’t want to leave.
"Then where you wanna go ?" Rolle asked.
"I dunno."
"I wish I never born, you know." Rolle said casually. Not questioning, just stating.
I opened my eyes in shock. Wondering what was going on. What did he know about me?
"But we'll be fine tomorrow. "
I really doubted that."What about today?"
Rolle looked at the sun. "Today is going to be a yesterday. You can't change a yesterday, right? Go home, take a rest. Just let today go.”
"What if I can't sleep at night? I can't get rid of these thoughts. And they bite me like animals, like demons."
"Then you just wait. Wait for the sun to rise. Your mind-biters will turn to ash when they face the first glimmer of the sunlight. They just like vampires.”
I wasn't so sure. "Am I gonna be fine?"
"You'll be fine. I promise."
Yeah, I'll be fine. I grew up, turned to my 20s. Just few years later, I'll be 30, then 40, 50, 60, until some kind of cancer or other disease, or an incident, takes my life away. But what did I forget? Am I just waiting for that? Have I ever had a better solution? A choice of my own?
·
"Hey, Lin. I watched a TV show last night. It's called Senser Challenge."
"What?"
The TV in my place hasn't had its bill paid for a long time. It just sits there as a decoration. So I was little confused about what Rolle said.
Rolle excitedly explained it to me:"They gathered a bunch of people who claimed they could talk to the wicked spirits or evil demons. Then they were forced to solve the same problems, and compete to be the one and only winner.”
I asked doubtfully: "Is there really exist the spirit or demon things?"
Rolle shrugged and said: "I don't know. They filmed it like it was real."
I frowned at his words. I hadn't watched the show myself after all, still couldn't understand.
Probably because I didn't show much interest in this topic, Rolle suddenly asked:"Hey, if the spirit really exist, does that means the 'afterlife' is real too? If there is an afterlife, what do you wanna be?"
"I DON'T WANT an afterlife." I hated to be a bummer, but I didn't wanna lie to him.
Luckily, I didn't ruin Rolle's mood. He imagined happily:"If I can choose my life, I wanna live in the spider-man universe. Just, you know, live in an apartment in the New York, with a pair of parents who busy around everyday to earn more money. I don't have to get perfect grades, but I'd occasionally see the spider-man swinging above everybody's heads. So that, in the next day, I can tell all my classmates that I saw spider-man yesterday. And as I grow up, I'll be the same dull □□ chasing money around, with only suits and leather shoes in my wardrobe. Cause if I don't wearing this, I couldn't be like others. But I will still witness the spider-man. And I will still tell all my workmates the next day,'Hey, you know what, I saw spider-man yesterday.'"
I couldn't help interrupting him."But Rolle, don't you wanna be the spider-man yourself?”
"I dunno." Rolle paused, with the happiness gone from his voice. He said:"I don't know how to be the spider-man."
I watched confusion cloud his brow and said:"I don't know how to be the □□ with only suits and leather shoes in the wardrobe. I mean, what if they wanna run or climb a tree? Can they do that with those clothes on?”
Rolle smiled mischievously,"Then let's just stick to being ourselves."
I'm being myself. I'm old enough to wear suits and leather shoes. I wore them for my graduation ceremony, I wore them for my job interviews. But I can't recall what happened next.
I only remember that I haven't seen a spider-man swinging above my head.
·
Jimbo's grandparents ran the only grocery store in our town. He was the only young man who hadn't left this town. Rolle and I didn't have much money, but we did often go in and go out with our hands empty, just to check what was new in here.
One day, when Rolle and I went to the grocery store again, Rolle noticed a stack of greeting cards wrapped in plastic on the shelf near the window.
Rolle pointed at the price tag and shouted,"15 bucks? Jimbo, is it a greeting card or a money check?”
Jinbao was half-sitting behind the counter, playing video games. He replied lazily,"It's new out there. Citizen loves that. If you opened it, there will be a little chip sings 'Happy Birthday' for you.”
"Holy crap!" Rolle was shocked."Hey, Jimbo, can I open one for check?"
"NO!" Jimbo shouted,"You'll running out of the battery!"
"Okay, fine. Easy, man." Rolle gave up.
And as if his feeling were hurt by something. Rolle grabbed two apples instead.
Unlike we used to going around with empty hand, he paid for those two apples. And shared one with me.
We walked down the street, rubbed the apples with our sleeves, and took a bite.
"You know what." With an apple in his mouth, Rolle's voice muffled,"The first apple, I mean, when it hasn't been named apple, when it just some fruit on the tree. The only purpose of the fruit was to keep its seed safe. It's just a seed cover. Back then, the apple was green, sour, maybe a little bitter, just tasted very awful anyway. So that, they can avoid the birds or any other animals destroying the seeds."
"Okay, then what?" I didn't question him.
"And there's one day, human, the ancient human, they find this fruit. They save the seeds of the sweeter apples, and plant it into earth, keep doing this choice. After one and another generations, the apple was made into the shape of they are in our mouth now.”
I felt a little fooled, and complained to Rolle,"I already knew that!"
"No, no, no," Rolle explained,"What I wanna say is that people can shape apples into their own taste, so they were also shaped by others.”
I was astonished.
Of course. People can shape plants and animals into tasty food and family pets. Then what did they do to other people? To other groups of humans? What did they do to Rolle? What did they do to me?
And WHO did it to US?
I looked at the half-eaten apple in my hand and realized I was just like it. Maybe even Adam and Eve didn't really eat the apple in the myth - they were just SHAPED.
I don't believe in gods. Neither does Rolle. But one day, when we wandered around the lake, he suddenly stopped.
He crouched on the ground, staring at the earth.
I followed him up, asked what was he looking at.
Rolle pointed at a group of ants moving an insect's corpse, and said:"I'm making a shade for'em."
Without looking up, I could still feel the intense sun baking the back of my neck. So I teased him,"Well, you're a really nice god for'em. An ant god."
All of a sudden, Rolle got up and took a step back. He left these ants and said,"Nope. I'm just a cloud. I Suddenly came, cover the burn of the sunlight for a moment. And suddenly out, left them behind again."
I looked at Rolle's face, learned another thing from him.
That clouds are the overlooking gaze of the god.
·
My mom came to visit me. She asked about my recent, about how I feel. It reminds me of an old memory, when we could only make one phone call per month.
"Hey, Kevin. I got a promotion yesterday." Her younger voice sounded somewhat distorted after being transmitted through the long-distance telephone line.
"By the next month, next month I will be able to afford the rent for a room. Maybe it's not big enough, but there's a terrific school nearby. Remember? I told you once. They have a school library of their own. I already made a call with the principal, she heard your grades, welcomed your enrollment warmly. You don't have to worry the tuition. They said you are an excellent boy, they will give us some reduction, and I will also earn more money too."
I listened to the tension and expectation in her words, muttered,"What about Rolle?"
"What?"
"Nothing." I shuddered and quickly said, "Mom, please take care of yourself, don't get too tired."
"It's okay. I don't feel tired at all. As long as it's for our future, everything is worth it. Hey, Kevin boy, take good care of yourself ok? Next time we meet, I want you to be a little taller and stronger, you know?"
"I will, mom. "
I will grow up someday, mom.
"Kevin, I was told……"
I looked at the wrinkles on her face, suddenly asked:"Mom, have I grown up enough to create a better life for you? For us? ”
"Yes, you are." She looked both emotional and relieved."And I'm really proud of you, Kevin."
" Mom, but Rolle……"
"Oh god!" Her smile vanished. She covered her face in pain."Oh my god, Kevin."
I didn't say it. From the expression on her face, I knew I must have asked that question many times.
Mom, WHERE did Rolle go?
Mom left me without turning back.
Just like the moment I left Rolle, he never looked back either.
·
Life is an old videotape in our town. No matter where you start it or how many times you play it, it only tells the same old, repetitive story.
Mom kept her promise. She came back one weekend, prepared to take me away with her this time.
Rolle visited me for the last time. He brought two birthday candles. One was a little twisted in his pocket.
He lit'em up and sang a happy birthday song for me.
He didn't buy the singing greeting card. Instead, he sent me his own voice.
The four repeated lyrics came to the end, so as the candles.
I keep crying, couldn't catch up with him.
I said,"Don't go." But I was the one who left him.
I remembered that green water.
I was planning to jump at first. But Rolle showed up.
He was the first one who find me while others were still searching foe me outside.
He saved my life once. And I was told many years later that this was exactly where they found Rolle after I left the town.
Before he ended everything. Rolle left me a greeting card which could sing happy birthday song. He wrote only four words:"Will the sun rise?"
Will the sun rise?
Where can we hide.
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